deep sea diving (draft series #2)
leaps of faith, swimming toward you
***DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post a year ago, but I’m honoring the version of me who wanted to post it. Although it may not reflect what I’m going through right now, I’d still like to share it with you all.
I’m not the best at cutting my heartstrings — there are always some threads of the past left over. here’s my admission: I’m writing to you, wherever you may be because I still care. my heart’s calling out, I’ve grown tired of trying to silence it. this game of pretending it doesn’t matter is one I don’t want to play anymore. just to know that you feel the same, that would be okay. to feel is embarrassing, but for my patched-up heart, it’s nothing new. but those are the things I would never tell you.
so maybe you thought the feelings were gone. last week, we took the time to shake them off, but they came back. they came back at full force, reminding you of something you tried to forget. and that’s okay. you can’t just put a band-aid on it and pretend like the cut isn’t there. I’ve learned this the hard way. today, allow yourself to feel again. those emotions, that past, won’t go away until you’ve acknowledged them. maybe it wouldn’t hurt to jump off the deep end just once more. here’s to facing your fears. here’s to all those things you can’t say.
I’m throwing all I’ve got at a blank screen with no one behind it. I do it for someone, anyone, to see. I do it for an empty audience.
I’ve always wanted to throw my phone into the ocean, letting it sink deep into the murky waters. to forget modern livelihood and buy a cottage in the middle of nowhere, tending to a farm with chickens and lambs.
in doing this, would I still feel the need to be connected? would anyone care about my absence? I like to think that I would care if someone else were to do the same, to worry about how they’re doing. but maybe that’s a false idea of how I’d really be in that situation. people only care about themselves and what they have going on.
see, what I share with the world takes a lot to do so. when I started writing poems and recording song covers, there was always a jolt in my stomach before I pressed upload or publish. the fear of vulnerability, the whole act of sharing a piece of myself with the world. I didn’t share these sides of me with the people I knew because I was scared it wouldn’t matter. but I was also scared that it would.
but to tap into the passion and stay consistent — to write for the sake of writing, to grow through my tangled mess of words and thoughts, to emerge from the water and be able to see anew. to not write for the eyes that see it. for it not to bother you if no one does.
so here I am, still writing. still stringing together sentences, still piecing together the puzzle. it’s like threading red yarn through an interconnected web of people. this is first for me, then it’ll be for you. and if it isn’t for you, then it’ll be for another.
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